"Fear is the mind killer"

We are all afraid at one time or another. Fear can be both good and bad. I am not going to explain every type of fear, but want to explain "Haphephobia, similar to other specific phobias, may occur as a result of traumatic experiences undergone to the individual or after observing someone else go through a traumatic event. Haphephobia is often induced by an event of sexual abuse or assault." ~ According to Google AI, What is the fear of being abused called?

I have experienced over 30 years of fear, almost on a daily basis. The first 12 years, I was a minor and would get beat severely for not abiding by "the rules of engagement" - meaning having to have intercourse with my adopted father and his 2 sons.

Living in constant fear can be extremely traumatizing as well as painful. I would not wish my worst enemy to have to endure the years of torment I went through, even as an adult, I was petrified of saying "NO".

I have talked about some of the abuse I experienced, but wanted to tell you how messed up it made me. I unfortunately have a police record, for attempting to please my abusers. I also suffer from pain of being ran over from one of my ex's with his car. That was because I said "thank you" to the pizza delivery man.

with My ex-husband, he would beat me in places that were inconspicuous if I didn't do what he said. He also kept me locked in our house when he left to do, God knows what.

When my biological parents wanted to visit, he would tell them no, or if I wasn't to banged up, he would allow me to see them, which was rarely.

I thought I was strong enough to move on and better my life, but my boys were placed with my biological parents to raise. I was not smart enough to recognize the rut I was in. I would jump from one bad relationship, to another. It was my "comfort zone" and all I knew.

So fear and pain was all I knew and looked for. There are times, I want to be abused and try to anger those close to me.

There are time I feel like I epically failed, knowing things aren't going my way. Although I now realize, I cannot control others, it is still painful knowing I can't change the past.

According to research done, this article:  Everyday Terrorism:
How Fear Works in Domestic Abuse
Professor Rachel Pain
Centre for Social Justice and Community Action, Durham University
and Scottish Women’s Aid"Fear in situations of domestic abuse is distinctive:
"• Being abused in a domestic setting, by an intimate partner, shapes the nature of the immediate fear during violent incidents. It also leads to chronic fear which builds up over the long term and leads to significant trauma and negative effects on health and wellbeing.
• The social and physical entrapment and isolation which often accompanies abuse reinforce
these fears, and make help-seeking more difficult.
• Fear is often a key reason for not leaving, and this fear is rational and justified."

It is because I divulged information about my abuse, I succumbed to being treated in this horrific manner.

It wasn't until I came to understand that I can break the cycle of abuse, by standing up for myself and discover what it is I really want to do, without experiencing fear and suffering.

I understand that this is very difficult and challenging to do, but we must understand that "Fear is the mind killer", and we must not let it continue controlling our lives.

Due to the long term exposure to abuse I suffer from PTSD, depression and bi-polar, not to mention physical pain from being beat and run over.

I must admit, that GOD has a plan for me, and now it is to help other survivors, realize that there is hope.

If you go to my RESOURCES page I have added more places that can help.

Deepest Prayers,

Mandie