Do You Know What DISGUSTS Me?

Do You Know What DISGUSTS Me?

This is definitely a topic, I would rather not post. However I was asked recently a question about love. Not that I do not know how to love, but the person I loved as a child, I should hate to the sun and leave him there. No, my coffee was fine, just irritated that I could have loved a monster.

According to Google AI ~ Feeling positive emotions towards an oppressor, despite their oppressive actions, can be complex and often stems from a psychological phenomenon called "Stockholm Syndrome," where a victim develops a bond with their captor, sometimes even feeling positive feelings towards them, even when experiencing abuse or power imbalance; this can manifest as fear, dependence, or a misguided sense of loyalty towards the oppressor, despite recognizing the harm they inflict.

I am not saying that all women go through this, just a minority, when we are seeking recognition, respect, and yes love as a young child, hoping to "fit in."

Also not only women, but men are also susceptible to positive feelings towards their oppressor. After going through abuse for as many years that I endured. My defenses were broken down and I had no voice in what was being done to me.

As I got older, I realized that my feelings towards my adopted father were misplaced, yet a small part of me still cared for him.

Trust me, I wish I could tell you that I hated him with every fiber in my being, but that would not be true. I believe this is what took me into my teens before I reported the abuse.

"...long-term helplessness inhibits cognitive characteristics such as decision making, healthy thinking, problem solving, planning, producing solutions, judging, struggling with negativities, and evaluation." according to Psy. Nida DAL IDIKUT, Clinical Psychologist.

Meaning we are impaired by our exposure to long term abuse, that our feelings are misguided and misinterpreted. So if you have experienced this situation, don't beat yourself up, just understand later that it is a form of breaking down our barriers, so that we are not thinking logically, well in my situation, maybe not thinking at all, since this started at the age of 5.

No, but seriously it took me even longer to understand why I still had feelings for him even after he passed away. I felt like something must be majorly wrong with me, until I came to understand why I still had feelings for him.

So if you have been through, or are going through this syndrome, understand it is your minds' way of coping with the severe impact of long term abuse.

All I can tell you, that it takes time and hard work to get over the feeling of inadequacy of allowing feelings towards your abuser. Even to this day, I wish i had a more normal childhood, even seeing a man that looks similar to him, sends a shock down my spine.

I would like to tell you that the mixed feeling of remorse, love, hate, being used, anger, sadness, and whole whole lot of stupid sh*t would eventually go away. That would be a lie, eventually it does get better until something brings up those bad memories. Although I don't think about it a so much as I used to, it still is a slap in the face when I see "him".

So please don't beat yourself up, and give into the control of madness, but to practice your positive coping mechanisms. I know I am sure some of you would like to get even, but it is not worth it. You are better then that and remember I am here if you want to chat.

Prayers,

Mandie