Spinning out of Control

Spinning out of Control -

I can remember it like it was yesterday; a;though I was 9 years old. I had an adopted sister that we shared the same adoptive parents.  I was outside feeding the chickens and geese, when I came inside and heard my sister yelling at our adoptive dad, saying she was tired of the sexual abuse he was putting her through.

I didn't know what to do, I froze outside the kitchen, realizing I was not his only victim.  My mind begin to reel and I was in total shock. 

How could this monster attack us and no one knew about it. I collected myself and quietly walked out our kitchen door. I heard the front door slam, realizing it was my sister.

I didn't know what to say, but followed her out to the barn and I quietly asked her if she was OK?

She angrily replied "No, I am not OK ,and am tired of his sh*t."

I told her "I'm sorry." I was scared and didn't know what to say. She was older then me, so I just stood there with my arms folded across in front of me.

She then said "I know he has been doing this to you too."

My head felt like it was spinning out of control. I couldn't even speak.  I finally mumbled "What do you mean?"

She then settled down some and said "He is a monster, and I can't wait to get out of this fu***d up family."

I was catatonic and didn't know what to say; my eye's had a tear coming down my face, and my sister hugged me saying "It will be OK."

Her gentle voice gave me hope, that someday this would be all over with.  I was hoping that she would take me with her and we both could escape this place of torment.

She was beautiful like a model, and I always looked up to her; Little did I know that she was damaged beyond repair.

The damage he did to her left her a derelict and drugs and alcohol became her release.

I haven't heard from her until 2 years ago; I reached out hoping that she had turned her life around. I was sadly mistaken. I felt sorry for her, thinking I could have turned out that way.

I also want to thank her, for that small conversation we had, it gave me hope to survive, I pray for her frequently hoping she will find happiness.  It was her empathy that she gave me, helping me to be strong and endure the pain.

It made me realize that I had to accept my predicament, even though I wanted this to end.

According to Michelle Haidenberg "Practicing and implementing self-acceptance is critical to satisfaction and stress reduction, which reduces anxiety and depression and helps mitigate physical challenges related to psychological stress."

What Michelle is getting at, is that we need to accept who we are, no matter what our circumstances are. We need to start somewhere, our thoughts control our feelings. Sometimes, a kind word can make a world of difference.

"Remember that stress doesn't come from what's going on in your life. It come from thoughts about what's going on in your life." - Andrew Bernstein

I look for positive conclusions, as well as a way to re-frame what I witnessed or experienced myself. Whether it is splashing water on my face, or taking a quick walk, until I feel comfortable facing my concern.

Prayers,

Mandie